Napoleon Goes to Hogwarts
by The Alpacas in a Blender
Summary: Napoleon Dynamite and Pedro become students at Hogwarts. Need we say any more? Thanks, everyone, for the reviews! We may change the title soon, so watch out.
1. What the Heck?

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We, The Alpacas in a Blender, own nothing. BlondeRebel14 only wishes she owned Ron.

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**Napoleon Dynamite Goes to Hogwarts**

**_Chapter One: What the Heck...?_**

It was September the first. As usual, the Hogwarts Express had just left from platform nine-and-three-quarters. Harry, Ron, and Hermoine had managed to find a compartment to themselves, and were just sitting down to catch up with each other, when the compartment door opened. They were speechless as some lost-looking white guy with an afro walked in and sat down.

Harry and Ron looked at each other and started to snicker at the stranger's funny-looking glasses and frizzy hair.

Hermoine shot them both a disapproving glance, then looked over at the stranger. "Hello," she said, smiling politely. "I'm Hermoine. And these are my friends, Harry and Ron."

"Hi. I'm Napoleon," replied the afro person. He looked at Ron and said, "Dude... you have some pretty sweet hair."

"Uhh... thanks, I guess," replied Ron with some shyness. Ron looked away from Napoleon and noticed that Hermione and Harry were snickering. He stuck out his tongue and turned towards the window.

"Hey, guys," Napoleon said. "Have any of you seen my friend Pedro?"

Harry, Ron, and Hermoine looked at each other. "Who's Pedro?" Harry asked.

"He's most probably like my best friend or something," Napoleon said. "Have you seen him?"

"No, sorry..." Hermoine replied. "I don't think we've seen--"

The compartment door opened again, and Neville walked in, followed by a lost-looking Hispanic guy with black hair.

"Hey, look," Napoleon said. "It's my friend Pedro."

The Hispanic guy, Pedro, walked over and sat down next to Napoleon. "Hey Napoleon," he said.

Neville sat down next to Harry, Ron, and Hermoine. "Who _are_ those guys?" he asked, in a whisper.

"I dunno," Ron said. "Pretty weird, though, aren't they?"

"Ron!" Hermoine exclaimed. "Just because they're different, that doesn't make them weird."

"Did you see the white guy's afro!"

"Hey... What is that Napoleon guy doing?" Harry asked, looking over at Napoleon.

Napoleon had taken a small action figure out of his pocket, and was now tying a piece of string around it while Pedro watched with interest. Napoleon looked over at Harry, Ron, Hermoine, and Neville. "Hey, dudes..." he said. "Do these windows like, open?"

Harry and his friends all looked at each other. "Yeah... They open... Why?" Harry said.

"Thanks." Napoleon turned away, and started working on the window. He struggled with it clumsily for a while, getting no results. "GOSH!" he exclaimed in frustration. "Why are these retarded windows so freakin hardto open!"

Hermoine sighed, rolling her eyes. "Here," she said, standing up and walking over to their window. "Let me help you." She took out her wand, and the window magically sprang open. "I don't know why you want the window open, anyway."

"None of your business! Gosh!" Napoleon exclaimed, turning away again. He took the action figure and chucked it out the open window, holding onto the string.

"Hey, sweet," Pedro said. "That's pretty cool, Napoleon."

Harry and Ron looked at each other, but had to look away again to keep from bursting out laughing.

"Who is that guy?" Ron asked Hermoine. "And why haven't we ever seen him before?"

"I don't know," Hermoine replied, shaking her head. "Why don't you ask him?"

"No way!" Ron said.

Hermoine looked at Harry.

He shook his head. "You ask him."

Hermoine sighed, exasperated. "Oh, you two are so pathetic!" She stood up and walked over to Napoleon and Pedro. "Hello," she said.

"Oh hi," Napoleon replied.

"Um, I was just wondering... Well, we haven't seen you two around here before. Are you new to Hogwarts?"

"Yeah, something like that."

"Did you transfer from somewhere?"

"Yeah."

"Where?"

"From high school."

"High school? Like a Muggle school?"

"What?" Napoleon shot at her. "Muggle? What the freakin heck is a Muggle?"

"Oh... Well, a Muggle is our name for non-wizards. People who don't do magic..." Hermoine explained. "I was asking if your school taught magic."

"No!"

"They teach us stuff like biology," Pedro said. "We get to do some pretty sweet dissections. Like frogs and things."

"Yeah," Napolean agreed. "Pretty sweet. Except for one time when this one girl got frog guts in her hair and then she puked all over the place. It was pretty gross."

"So do you two even have your proper school supplies? Like robes and wands and things?"

"Of course!" Napoleon shot. "I'm not a freakin idiot!"

"Okay," Hermoine said. "I'm sorry, I was just wondering..."

"It's okay," Pedro said.

Hermoine walked back over to sit with Ron, Harry, and Neville. "I wonder what year they'll be in," she mused. "They're much too old to be put with the first years... Yet, they apparently have no experience with magic..."

"I wonder why they're just starting now," Harry said.

Ron shrugged.

The compartment door opened for a third time, and Draco Malfoy stepped in, followed by his two cronies, Crabbe and Goyle. "Hello, Potter," Malfoy said, sneering, and looking around the compartment. He spotted Napoleon and Pedro. "Hey, Potter, who are these freaks? You haven't been performing illegal spells on flobberworms, have you?"

"Shut up, Malfoy," Harry said, standing.

Malfoy snickered. "Look at the freak's hair," he said. "Kind of like yours, Granger, is he a relative?"

"That's not funny!" Hermoine shouted.

"And what about that dark-haired one? Your mum didn't become an Animagus, did she, Weasley?"

Ron's ears went red. "GET OUT, MALFOY!" he shouted, drawing his wand.

Malfoy just laughed. Crabbe and Goyle laughed, too, as usual, stupidly following Malfoy's lead.

"Shut up!" Napoleon said.

Malfoy's laughter immediately stopped. He turned to face Napoleon. "What did you say to me, freak?"

"I said shut up! Gosh!"

Malfoy glared at Napoleon, and was just about to draw his wand, when the compartment door opened and the lunch cart came in. Malfoy gave Napoleon one last murderous glare, then left, muttering, "I'll deal with you creeps later!"

"Freakin idiot," Napoleon said to Malfoy's back.


	2. Freakin Sweet Welcome

We, The Alpacas in a Blender, still own nothing. ElfLuver13 only wishes she owned Legolas.

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_**Chapter Two: Freakin Sweet Welcome**_

The Hogwarts Express finally reached Hogwarts. As the students were walking into the Great Hall, they were greeted by familiar sights, smells, and faces.

Napolean noticed the floating candles and the Great Hall's ceiling. "Dude, that ceiling is pretty much the sweetest ceiling I've ever seen. It's freakin' sweet."

Ron raised his eyebrows and gave Harry a somewhat odd look.

Harry, Ron, and Hermoine all went and sat down at the Gryffindor table. Napoleon and Pedro followed, and sat down next to them. Hermoine looked over at Napoleon and asked, "How do you know that you're in this house?"

"What?" Napoleon said. "I dunno, GOSH! Some old geezer just told me to follow you, so that's what I'm doin'! GOSH!"

"Okay, okay! Sorry," Hermoine said, turning back to face Harry and Ron to wait for the sorting to begin.

The sorting was soon over, and the feast began. Ron immediately began stuffing his face with anything he could reach. Hermoine looked at him in disgust and started eating in a more civilized way.

Harry looked over at Napoleon and Pedro. Pedro was tasting some of the food, but Napoleon was just staring at his plate.

"Uh, you can eat now," Harry said.

"Where are the tots?" Napoleon demanded.

Harry stared at him. "Uh... What?"

"The tots! Where are the tots?"

"Uh, I dunno..."

Napoleon stood up.

"Where are you going?" Hermoine asked him.

"To find some tots!" And with that, Napoleon set off to search the other three tables for some tots.

Ron watched him, shaking his head in amazement. "That Napoleon is one weird dude," he said.

"He's not weird, Ron!" Hermoine exclaimed. "He's just not used to how things work at Hogwarts, that's all."

Suddenly Ron burst out laughing. "Look at him!"

Harry and Hermoine looked where Ron was pointing. Napoleon, having no success at the other house tables, had made his way up to the staff table, and was asking each of the teachers in turn if they had any tots. Some of the teachers simply laughed and shook their heads, and others just raised their eyebrows and stared at him. Snape glared at him and ordered him to go sit down.

"GOSH!" Napoleon said, as he sat back down next to Pedro. "That freakin idiot should go and eat a decroded piece of crap or something," said Napolean furiously.

Harry and Hermoine looked at each other. Ron was too busy laughing to share in their exchange of glances. Ron couldn't help but laugh, and he was laughing so uncontrollably he sprayed all of his food into Napoleon's face. Napoleon, who took offense, chucked some weird colored orange substance at Ron. Ron ducked and he actually hit the back of Goyle's head. The stupid ogre, Goyle, turned and threw a handfull of peas at Hannah Abbot. Hannah turned and nailed Malfoy square in the nose with a entire apple pie. Then of course, all chaos wreaked loose, and as soon as the teachers had noticed, (it was about five good minutes, and even then it was only because a large, messy slice of blueberry pie landed on Professor Flitwick's head), Dumbledore immediately stopped the food fight.

"We are a school of brilliant children, well most of us, and we do not show it by throwing food across The Great Hall, like wild baboons," Dumbledore said irritably.

Ron had left The Great Hall and was in the Hospital Wing. He had choked on a sandwhich he was chewing on. He had such an uncontrollable laughing fit, he nearly died. Madam Pomfrey said that he should really control these fits. She doesn't have the time to worry about him. Harry made this task especially difficult for Ron. And Napolean managed to do the same without even really trying.

Madam Pomfrey finally let Ron leave the Hospital Wing about an hour later.

"Well, that should teach you to start a food fight, now shouldn't it?" Hermoine said.

"Shut up," Ron shot back. "I didn't start the food fight. It was Napoleon."

Hermoine rolled her eyes but didn't say anything else as the three of them headed back to Gryffindor Tower, followed by Napoleon and Pedro.

When they reached the fat lady, she asked for a password.

"Delicous Bass," said Napoleon.

"No, it's Fairy Lights," said Seamus, just now turning the corner.

"DARN!" Napoleon shouted.

Seamus gave Harry a quizzical look. Harry just rolled his eyes and shook his head as the portrait swung aside.

Upon arriving at the Gryffindor common room, Napoleon met the most fascinating creature he had ever seen. Dobby.

"Sweet! Is itsome kind ofliger?" Napoleon asked.

"What's a liger?" Ron asked.

"It's a cross between a lion and a tiger. They're pretty rare."

"Those don't exist," said Hermione.

"Yes they do! Now shut up!" he shouted.

"Dobby is a house-elf sir," the small creature said.

"Oh, sorry," Napoleon said. "What the heck is a house-elf?"

"House-elves are magical creatures that work like slaves for their wizarding owners," Hermoine said bitterly.

"Oh."

"Well," Ron cut in, "I think I'm about ready for bed."

"Me too," Harry agreed. "Good night, Hermoine."

"Good night," Hermoine said, heading for the stairway that led to the girls' dormitory.

Harry and Ron started towards the boys' dormitory, but Harry turned as they reached the stairway. "Hey, Napoleon, Pedro, are you coming?"

"Yeah, in a little bit," Napoleon said.

"Yes. We'll be up in a minute," Pedro echoed.

"Okay," Harry said. He and Ron turned and went up the stairs and got into bed. As he fell asleep, Harry could have sworn he heard dance music down in the common room, but he assumed it must be his imagination and one too many slices of pie.


	3. Sweetest Hook up Ever

We, the Alpacas in a Blender, still own nothing. Luvthefluf only wishes she owned Sawyer from Lost.

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**_Chapter 3: Sweetest Hook-up Ever_**

At breakfast the next morning, Napoleon was going on about ligers again.

"Ligers are rare, mythical beasts," Napoleon said to Ron. "They're bred for their skills in magic."

"Yeah," Pedro agreed. "You people should know all about that."

"For the last time, THEY DON'T EXIST!" Hermoine exclaimed, exasperated.

"Yeah they do!" Napoleon argued."GOSH!"

"Of course they do, Hermione, didn't you know that?" Luna Lovegood appeared behind them with lettuce on her ears.

"No they don't, they are strictly fictional,"Hermoine said.

At the first sight of Luna, Napolean was intrigued. He noticed her ears. They were nice and, well, like ears, but they had lettuce in them. So he walked up to Luna, trying to be charming, and took it out of her ears, and threw the lettuce behind him. The lettuce landed on Ron's face. Ticked off, Ron stormed up to the dorms and sulked while walking to the rest of his classes.

Luna and Napoleon had Herbology together, and since they needed partners Napolean decided to ask Luna to help him. "Uhh... would you wanna be my parter?" Naploeon asked Luna.

"SURE! I mean... of course I will, Napoleon," Luna said.

Many girls giggled seeing Luna and Napolean together. They thought they were a cute couple and that it was so 'sweet' that he asked her to be his partner. The boys being the idiotic boys we know (and, sadly, love) made cat calls at them, but this didn't seem to bother the couple at all. Well, not much at least.

"What are you laughin' at?" Napoleon shouted at Dean and Seamus.

"Nothing," Dean said, turning back to his work.

"GOSH!" Napoleon said. "You guys are retarded."

Dean and Seamus looked at each other, but had to look away again to avoid breaking into a laughing fit.

"So Luna," Napoleon said. "In your experience, have you ever encountered a real live liger?"

"No, sadly, I haven't," Luna replied, sighing. "But I believe your friend Harry has met a hippogriff."

"A hippogriff?" Napoleon repeated. "Sweet."

After Herbology Luna and Napolean were inseperable. They really enjoyed each other's company.

"Uhm Luna... you have some sweet skills and you like ligers. Will you be my girlfriend?" Napolean said, not really paying attention.

"SURE I WILL! I mean of course," Luna said eagerly.

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more to come later people R&R or we may stop writing 


	4. Is Quiddich a Deoderant?

We, the Alpacas in a Blender, still own nothing. Agent047 only wishes she owned the _Enterprise_.

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**_Chapter Four: Is Quiddich a Deoderant?_**

Once again, it was mealtime in the Great Hall. But instead of going straight to eating, Dumbledore stood up in front and made an announcement. 

"Attention, everyone," Dumbledore said. "I have an announcement to make."

The Great Hall got quiet.

"This year, we will not be having a Quiddich cup."

The entire school body went into an uproar. Fred and George seemed especially upset. "WHAT!" Fred shouted. "NO QUIDDICH? WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU, SENILE?"

"COME ON!" George shouted. "THAT'S NOT FAIR!"

"I'M GONNA _DIE_ WITHOUT QUIDDICH!" Fred continued.

"Quddich?" Napoleon said. "What the heck is _Quiddich_? Some kind of magic deoderant?"

"No! It's a sport!" Ron cried, sounding offended. "The best sport ever invented! It's played on broomsticks, and Harry here is the best Seeker in Hogwarts history!"

Harry blushed. "Well, no, I wouldn't say that..."

"Seeker?" Napoleon repeated. "Are you seeking ligers?"

"Of course not!" Hermoine said.

"Quiet down everyone!" Dumbledore bellowed. "Everyone, calm down!"

Everyone in the Great Hall obeyed, more or less, with the exception of Fred.

"YOU CAN'T TAKE AWAY THE QUIDDICH CUP! THAT'S INSANITY!"

The Great Hall burst into another round of loud shouting and agreeing with Fred, for a first.

"QUIET!" Dumbledore shouted. "If you all would be quiet long enough for me to make this next announcement, we may be able to keep Mister Weasley from going into cardiac arrest."

"This had better be good," Fred said, though not quite as savagely as before.

"We will not be having Quiddich this year because we are going to be having something much better to take its place."

Harry wasn't sure if anything could take the place of his beloved Quiddich, but he decided to hear Dumbledore out. Maybe this wouldn't be quite as bad as he had originally thought.

"We are going to be hosting the legendary Triwizard Tournament."

The Great Hall erupted again.

"The senile old coot's lost his marbles! Again!" Fred cried. "The Triwizard Tournament? That was outlawed!"

"Outlawed?" Harry asked.

"Yeah," George said. "Too many deaths."

"Deaths?" Napoleon said. "GOSH!"

The noise level in the Great Hall died down long enough for Dumbledore to explain how the tournament would be set up, and about the two other schools that would be joining in the tournament, and that the other two schools would be arriving the next day.

As everyone left the Great Hall, they were all jabbering noisily about the upcoming tournament. But Napolean and Pedro had their own ideas about the tournament.

Napolean was going to offer Luna Pedro's protection if she would enter the tournament with him, but he wasn't sure if his wildest dreams were going to come true...

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Next Chapter sneak peek: Does Napolean get into the tournament? How long can Luna and Napolean stay together? What happens when Summer ends up competing for Beaxbatons? 


	5. The Medieval Warriors Arrive

We, the Alpacas in a Blender, still own nothing. N'Youk't O'Dakkak only wishes she owned a planet (and the rest of the universe).

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**_Chapter Five: The Medieval Warriors Arrive_**

"Are you going to enter the tournament?" Pedro asked Napoleon.

"Yeah..." Napoleon said. "I guess."

"Well I guess I'll have to offer you my protection," Pedro mumbled.

"Cool."

Fred and George were suddenly seen running towards them. The two hazardous Weasley twins held identical matching smirks.

"We did it!" they both said at the same time.

"Did what?" Harry asked.

"We took the age potion! We are now seventeen, allowing us to enter are names in the goblet," George said, with Fred nodding next to him wearing a maniacal grin.

"Here goes!" Shortly after entering their names in the goblet, they were both thrown backwards and rapidly started to grow beards.

"Sweet!" Napoleon said.

Napoleon entered his name, and soon after the Durmstrang students arrived to put their names in.

"Look Harry! It's Krum!" Ron said excitedly, along with every other girl in the room.

"Looks like a medieval warrior..." Napoleon said.

"That's only the best seeker in the world right there!" Ron said.

"What is he seeking?" Napoleon asked, sounding annoyed. "Is he seeking ligers? Can he hook me up with some? I'd really like to meet one. They're pretty rare." But Krum had already left.

Everyone in the hall turned to see the Beauxbatons students arrive and line up to put their names in. The prettiest one, Summer Wheatly, was expected to be the chosen one.

"Come on Harry, Ron, er...Napoleon, we have to get to Care of Magical Creatures class with Hagrid," Hermione said nervously, afraid that one tardy would blemish her school record beyond repair.

"Oh my Holy Ligers! A magical creatures class would be so frekin' sweet. Does this hagrid have any ligers, or tigons with sweet magical powers?", asked Napolean with extremem interest.

"Uhh noo.. not that I know of," Hermione said testily she needed to get to class.

They walked quickly down to Hagrid's hut, where they met the strangest creatures ever seen. The cross-bred skrewts. Napoleon walked up to Hagrid.

"Do the chickens have large talons?" he asked.

Ron and Harry went into barely-controlled sniggers.

"Uh, no Napoleon... these here are blast-ended skrewts! A beauty ain't they?" Hagris replied enthusiastically.

"Uhh... Hagrid... are they cross bred animals? Those are illegal you, know," Hermione interrupted.

"What the ministry don't know can't hurt em'," Hagrid said.

"Yes, but... Those things look dangerous..." Ron said nervously, looking at a cross-bred skrewt.

Napoleon walked up to Ron. "Pedro offers you his protection."

"Uh... thanks, I think..." Ron said hesitantly, though he wasn't sure if anything short of a rocket-launching bazooka or a fireproof tank could protect him from Hagrid's latest beauties.

Class ended and they headed back up to the castle. Today was the day that Beaxbatons and Durmstrang was going to finally arrive.

"I expect everyone of you to behave as if you are normal and civilized children," Dumbledore said looking right at Fred and George.

But just then as they were about to protest, something came out of the water. A huge splashing sound came from the lake and they all looked at it as if they were expecting something special. But they had figured out it was just the biggest boat any of them has ever seen. The huge boat took a slow push against the shore of the lake. But what jumped out of the boat next, to Harry's surprise was someone who was dragged by Mrs. Norris the previous night.

It was Professor Karkarof. He had a dark scowl face and rather greasy hair. Then almost instanly behind him came Krum, world famous Quidditch seeker.

"THERE HE IS!" yelled Ron. Ron's favorite seeker, other than Harry, was Viktor Krum. Napolean seemed to care more about the nearest rock. But he did seem interested in some of Krum's skills.

"Does that guy have any nunchuck skills?"Napolean inquired.

"No Napolean, he doesn't," Ron replied irritated.

But Ron was interupted by more screaming and the crowd turned the opposite way pointing to the sky.

A large carraige drawn by flying horses was coming. It landed and out stepped a very tall woman, who was about as tall as Hagrid.

"Wow!" Hermoine gasped.

Following the tall lady came about a dozen girls.

"That's Summer Wheatly!" Ron said, pointing to the prettiest, preppiest girl.

"She's pretty hot," Pedro commented her. "Do you think she'd go out with me?"

"NO!" Ron said. "She's going to go out with me!"

"Or me," Harry couldn't help adding.

"Yeah, well who's the only one here who knows illegal ninja moves from the government?" Napoleon demanded.

"What does that have to do with anything?" Hermoine asked.

"I dunno," Napoleon admitted. "I just thought it sounded pretty cool."

Harry and Ron rolled their eyes.

"I'm gonna build her a cake," Pedro decided.

"Yeah, that's a good idea," Napoleon agreed. "If she goes out with you, maybe you two can get married and have your wildest dreams come true."


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